It’s 445am on a Wednesday morning in December. At this time last year I was just getting home from tour and poised to do something outstanding immediately. I was instead met with an injury to my voice that needed a tremendous amount of TLC.
I tended to it. I’ve learned a shit ton about my voice and why being patient can be both a virtue and a road block.
Because I didn’t have a choice but to heal one minute at a time I found myself with tons of time on my hands. Rest that I never seemed to get was suddenly in front of me. Ideas I wouldn’t allow myself to think suddenly popped into my head. Asking for community and support was foreign to me, now I couldn’t help myself than to seek it out desperately. Thankfully, I finally had the opportunity to invest in the much needed self care that I allowed to escape me for the majority of my life. The most hardest thing during this time was not being able to fully use my voice the way I wanted to.
When the time came for me to get out there and use it, I came head first into many of the things that led to my injury.... Speaking up then being immedatiely shut down because my questions only showcased the lack of what someone else was doing. Or what I wanted them to do. Who did I think I was? I by no means believed myself to be perfect or without flaws, although when I needed something I wasn’t as clear and articulate as I could be. More than anything, That was the best thing of beginning to speak again. I learned to be clear and more thorough.
My Take Away
This whole year was about getting myself to a place that allowed me to be totally and completely injury free. Seeing my road block made me hungrier than ever I to attack it. I use that word, “attack”, because when I see work ahead of me or am inside of the work, I do just that... ATTACK IT! Fiercely and unapologetically. The pushback I was feeling for speaking up or asking questions was because I was so invested in MY own process I couldn’t see the other persons perspective. I needed more empathy and patience! This, believe or not made me feel insecure. Because - as I mentioned before- I knew I wasn’t perfect, I merely craved freedom so much within my work and with the usage of my instrument that I ignored what they could also need from me to help them help me. When you’re working in a team sport its extremely important to sense the temperments, successes and failures, and trouble spots of your teammates. It is then up to you, a good team mate, to help them level up by taking the time to train their weak spots and bring more stability to their strengths. When that fails, you help that person find another way to attain their goals. Today, as the clock strikes 504am, I see that the team I needed all along was the team I was selfishly hurting. I needed to be a better team mate.
Over this past year I have found a small church family of artist that hear, see, support, and crave to create with each other. We keep it 100% honest with each other at all times. We are patient with one another. We give reassurance that we are not crazy or negative or insensitive (all things commonly said about me which also lead to my injury and road blocks). Because of this family, they remind me that I am a good person who has a drive like no other. Now all I want to do is support my family, nourish them, and create with them. The stories we’ve created through our family like friendships are the very stories needed to be seen. I believe I am the person to create them. I believe this because this year showed me that I have many leader qualities, but before I could lead I needed to make some changes to myself before I could truly captain. I don’t know how to do it all. I never really have known how to do any singular thing. What I have consistently done over time, especially through the healing time of this year, is ask questions then truely Listen for answers. The process for me is this: I ask myself the question and make it my mission to find the answer from within. If or when that fails there is an endless supply of options for me to find the answer. I CAN NOT sit down any longer. I am too talented for that. My team needs me. Thank goodness I am in a better place now for my team.
So.... I woke myself from dreaming this morning to set into action what I want most out of myself and my life. I want success, freedom, love, a healthy and stable family, my church family to grow, and most importantly to Stop second guessing myself when at road blocks or indifferences. I am a major reason why the teams I am on will win. It is time for me to step up and make the most of the talents that have lived inside all along.